Tumblr Screenshots Dump

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FightMilk22
Dec 14, 2019 4:08 AM EST

Dump of Tumblr screenshots that could pass for funny to the untrained observer.

And another funny tumblr meme dump awaits for viewing.

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  • 01
    Text - captorations aragorn: and then i'll say “this army" and then you run at them right through me with your army behind you ghost king, known dramatic bitch who habitually spends like five minutes scaring and chanting at intruders before killing them: oh FUCK yeah let's do it
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    Cheezburger Image 9404460544
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    Text - generalgrievousdatingsim concept: a fantasy cowboy who rides a dragon instead of a horse barduils dragon riders are actually just fantasy cowboys you heard it here first r6t0 H... howdy train your dragon barduils do you just want the password to my blog while you're at it with these god tier takes 126,081 notes
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  • 04
    Adaptation - Jake (commissions open) @jacobhunni Name this film. Wrong answers only. Eric Idle @Ericldle The Second Breakfast Club.
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  • 05
    Text - cappurrccino Two universal constants of high fantasy living: If something falls into ruin a necromancer will move in 100% of the time There is a critical mass of gold that will summon a dragon. If you keep accurate records and stay below it you'll be fine probablyfunrpgideas I'm sorry, sir, if you don't renovate your summer keep and live in it at least one month out of the year, we'll have to charge you with Negligent Dungeonization of Property. The old cellar laboratory might have belong
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    Text - maverikloki So if my students finish a quizitest early, I ask them to draw me stuff on the back (partly so those who need more time are less self-conscious about still having the test out, partly because fuck yeah, pictures), and it may be the single best decision of my career. In the past couple of weeks, I've told these kids that (a) the Romans believed there were demons in their public toilets and (b) the word for "janitor" comes from "ianitor", which means "(door) guard". So now I'm g
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    Text - totally-not-an-awkward-okapi Stupid Vampire Idea They don't really live in Transalvania, they live in Ireland and Scotland. No sunlight Plenty of dishes with blood in them are the norm Everyone is pale, so no one will suspect your actually dead My Proof: Brannan McGuire @only3brannans Was standing next to a goth at the traffic lights n they opened up their umbrella n a honestly shat masel thought the cunt was turning into a bat 21/03/2018, 16:40
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  • 08
    Text - Ocatchymemes Chance of a lifetime for an epic trick SS WARRIMOO EQUATOR INTERNATIONAL DATE LINE The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought Captain John DS. Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo's position was LAT 0° 31' N and LONG 179 30' W. The date was 31 December 1899. "Know what this means?" First Mate Payton broke in, "We're
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  • 09
    Text - REI tilthat TIL that a giant, nine-foot crocodile likely ruled the Earth before the dinosaurs. via reddit.com sexhaver just the one crocodile, not like a species or anything ndiecity King K. Rool bywandandsword I would like to remind everyone that the average length for modern male adult crocodiles are 13-16 feet iwilleatyourenglish no, 9 feet as in 9 feet tall this is a gator that towered 9 feet off the ground virologistandpotato WHAT The Source: tilthat
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    Text - glumshoe I used to feed the crows on campus every day because it was easier than making human friends (I had one already - and Robin likes crows as much as I do). Pretty soon, they figured out where I lived and would alight upon my dorm windowsill and watch me. I offered them only healthy things, like leftover fish, hard boiled eggs, nuts, suet, and dog food. They were already habituated to humans and had no fear of us, and I figured it was better to feed them real food instead of the fre
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    Text - silverbellsolicitor It kind of really confuses me when Barbie commercials have little girls dressing them up and brushing their hair Like no Barbie is not about fashion. Barbie is about collecting as many dolls as you can get your grubby 7 year old hands on and dominating the living room with your expansive empire of plastic women. Barbie is about creating intricate social structures and spicy inter-family conflicts between town house residents. Barbie is about formulating complex back st
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  • 12
    Text - lunulata I think my favorite panic-fueled response to a petitioner was when someone came up to me in Union Square and said "Hi, would you care to sign our petition for LGBT rights?" and I just blurted out "Im already gay" and the person, taken aback, said "Well, that's. nice." and I said "It really is. Goodbye." and just walked into the closest store to escape. raptorific one time I was on my way to a final and this clipboard person was aggressively trying to stand in my way and saying "e
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  • 13
    Text - newromaantics this morning NASA abandoned their mars rover Opportunity (aka Oppy) because it (she) got hit by a storm on Mars and it knocked her camera and wheels out and her last words to the team were "my battery is low and it is getting cold". I know she's a machine but l'm devastated. Oppy is the one who discovered water on Mars. RIP oppy ily space baby myhomework-is-onfire they didn't abandon her!! they tried eight months to reach her!!!! as their last farewell to her yesterday they
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    Cartoon - In this time of term papers I wanted to draw my patron deity, Bullshticus, god of students and general last minute fudgery, sitting upon his Golden Futon, attended by the muses Caffeina and Thesaurae, whose powers of artificial energy and pretentious vocabulary can be invoked in case of the all-nighter. I like to think he's Dionysus's second cousin or something.
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    Text - queeranarchism Fun fact: in the 80's the Dutch Unemployed Union held 'fridge raids' to protest against poverty. They'd find out when a politician of big boss who upheld poverty and starvation wages was speaking at some public even, then they'd carefully break into his house with a LOT of people and they would eat EVERY piece of food in his house and leave the empty dished behind without taking anything else. gatewaycommunism Direct action at its finest. curiousobsession101 We should bring
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    Text - gwynndolin the most powerful thing humans have is the fact that you can drop a "hey whats going on everypony" into a conversation and immediately activate everyone's fight or flight response to go off in a 20 foot radius watercolor-gryphon Real life mass aggro spell deepnest MAYHEM Creatures and people up to level 25 will attack anyone nearby for 60 seconds. M Master COST 659
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    Cheezburger Image 9404491008
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    Text - cwudining: americanfrontier. oh and when i was a year old, after i got my foot amputated my parents were pushing me around in a stroller at a street festival in miami and i was chewing on my foot or whatever and this street performer came up to us and was like "aw i bet that tastes good!" and my dad was like "yeah look at what she did to the other one!!!!" and pulled back the blanket covering my left leg to show a stump with a huge scar on it and i'm pretty sure my dad terrified that poor
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    Cheezburger Image 9404493056
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    Text - sheisplentytoughthankyouverymuch: bisexualspoopertgiles: caterjunes: "can i come in?" "i don't know, can you?" cursing quietly, the vampire backed away, foiled yet again by the english teacher's pedantry #spike and giles I'm dYING Source: caterjunes
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    Cheezburger Image 9404489728
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    Text - agatharights During a passion play a friend of my brother was supposedly in, one of the roman soldiers who was supposed to stab jesus on the cross and accidentally grabbed the wrong spear- he was supposed to grab one with a fake tip, but instead he grabbed one with an actual metal tip and, well Jesus screamed "JESUS CHRIST YOU STABBED ME". Since that Jesus had to be taken down due to a bad case of stab-itis, the backup Jesus came in, but he weighed significantly less than the original Jes
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    Text - writing-prompt-s You're an ancient Greek man coming home from 4 months of war to find your wife 3 months pregnant. Now you've embarked on a solemn quest: to punch Zeus in the face. hermdoggydog Soon after you begin your quest, you encounter another man in a similar situation. You decide to join forces, as two mortal men stand a better chance at punching Zeus than one. Two villages over, you encounter a woman who had relations with Zeus and was left with a highly aggressive half-boar half-
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    Green - kat Follow @eeveelution I am not ok So they have a look at this hamster, put him on the table and he's So you know my sister is a veterinary student walking round, eating & drinking etc. All fine She said a little girl brought her hamster in bc it hadn't moved for 3 Which is really weird days and was just sat at the side of the cage and wouldn't eat or drink or Then they notice there's something in his cheek pouch anything So they look inside, and find a fridge magnet So she asked her if
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  • 25
    Text - humansarespaceorcs tumblr. Follow E jen-queen-of-midget-gems galaxa-13 You know what I want more of? Variety in aliens. No, I don't mean more designs for alien species. I mean variety within a species. They always seem to have the same government, the same culture, the same religion, the same language. Come on, humans don't work that way! "Say, there's a Qualar over there. What are they saying?" "No idea." "What?" "That's a Kinzian Qualar. I'm a Surolian Qualar. You'd have just as much lu
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    Text - studygoddesses: I am literally in love with the fact I get to see how my little cousins interact even with a language barrier. On my mom's side, I have a 3 year old little cousin who only speaks French, and on my dad's side I have a 2 year old cousin who only speaks Spanish. When they play together it is so funny to see them blabber on and on to each other until one of them hears a word that sounds familiar and then they just repeat that word and nod like they're totally connecting. Like
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    Text - siriusly-not-over-remus Happy Thoughts For A Boring Shift .Neville Longbottom is the most rockin' father ever. Like, he's alvways trying to show people pictures of his kid(s). Scorpious Malfoy has a weakness for blue raspberry gushers. The little muggle fruit snacks alvays stain his mouth blue for hours. Minerva McGonagall at 14 had pulled more pranks than all the marauders combined. (Not that she'd ever tell.) Seamus Finnigan secretly loves classical music. After he and Dean move in toge
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  • 28
    Text - editorincreeps Princess Bride themed restaurant. Waiters say "as you wish" after taking your order. Finish the Fezzik in an hour, your meal is free. Come in a wheelbarrow, your meal is 10% off. pkeradactyl Every so often the hostess will say "bye bye boys, have fun storming the castle!" as people are leaving. Miracle Max's Cure for the Mostly Dead is on the menu and its a giant chocolate cakeball. They sell Anybody Want a Peanut Brittle at the door. angrila "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoy
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  • 29
    Text - dramaticdragon Shoutout to my 90 year old grandma with dementia (she thinks she's back when she was 20) and she misunderstood us when we said her nursing home cook didn't make food for OTHER people and she thought we said "colored people" and she got so mad she was ready to steal food so she could feed everyone. Keep in mind she thinks she's in like 1940s and she is READY to defend poc. Shout out to you grandma. drawnsheep I also appreciate that she's sure she can steal food from the cook
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    Text - smurflewis Today I walk into work and there are a ton of people in my building and it's kind of a mess and everyone is talking and I sort of just blurt out: "Man, it's a zoo in here!" Everyone stopped and looked at me as though I had 2 heads. Then I realized. I work at a zo. smurflewis Update: my boss was talking about how he was really excited for an entire week of vacation and was wondering what he should do, so I looked him dead in the eye and told him, with a straight face, "You shoul
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    Text - idiopathicsmile you know what's probably more fun than playing chess? cheating at chess "ohhh would you look at that, my pawns found jesus and now they're all bishops" "so i realize it looks like i'm putting a thimble on the board but actually my rooks have been using their downtime to build another rook, one that's better, stronger, faster-" "hey welcome back. while you left to get a snack, those six pieces you'd captured slipped their guards, tunneled to safety and emerged right in the
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    Text - dzamonja-swag: rabioheab: i think my neighbourhood deserves a sitcom because there's • me, the teen blogger • a house with 8 nuns • a drug dealer who drives a hummer • a scottish man who only ever wears a kilt and mows his lawn at 3 am • an elderly couple who drive everywhere on their lawn mower • a peacock who has been roaming the neighbourhood for years and no one knows why or where it came from I'd watch the shit outta that show
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    Cheezburger Image 9404492288
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    Text - vampireapologist Imagine one of those vampires that spent a few decades napping and now they're trying to catch up as best they can so they're in a library looking through years of old magazines and overhear some middle-schooler discussing her project about the moon-landing and they're like "WHAT!!!" vampireapologist "You have to tell me everything about this!!!" A confused but enthusiastic sixth-grader unfolds her trifold poster board and tells an absolutely captivated 3000 year old man-
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  • 36
    Text - okay, storytime. At a group sleepover, there's this girl, the most innocent thing you've ever met, k? She nods off on the couch early on in the night. As everyone's getting ready to play cards, one of my friends lean back and hears her mumbling in her sleep. My friend motions for everyone to be quiet. The girl snuggles her blanket, smiles, and in the sweetest voice, says, "Go on, Brandon. You can jump. It's only 30 stories." OH my god, these are great. I know I have talked and done some w
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    Cheezburger Image 9404492800
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    Text - probablybadrpgideas Feed a person vampire blood, you get a ghoul. Feed an animal vampire blood, you get a hellhound. Water a plant in vampire blood, you get a mandrake. Fill up your car with vampire blood? Probably good things, let's try it. thefingerfuckingfemalefury COMING THIS HALLOWEEN FROM SYFY VANPIRE
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  • 39
    Text - mjolkk: oh my god i'm at the grocery store and there is a guy in the frozen section who is tweaked off his balls on some kind hallucinatory drug. i'm in the next isle meowing softly through the cereal boxes where he can't see me and he is losing his shit pulling pizza boxes out of the freezers and yelling that he needs to save the popsicle cat am i a bad person You need to check out FUNSubstance.com FUNSubstance
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    Cheezburger Image 9404468992
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    Text - WWII Era Vampires Giving their neighbors their rations claiming that the government fucked up that week because they noticed that they're going without trying to feed their kids. Signing up for the draft cuz, "Fuck it. We can't die by their weapons anyway. I'll fight for the country I've lived in for the past century." Vampire nurses who know when the blood's gone bad or what type of blood you need (because blood typing was fairly new during WI). The baby faced forever 18 vampire siting w
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  • 42
    Text - Skeleton J. Ball @C_L_Ball I guess if you're immortal, you could just do pointlessly risky shit. Just juggle knives until you fuck up. "Ow my finger. Haha nbd" Skeleton J. Ball @C_L Ball wait, if vampires don't need air, they would be AWESOME scuba divers. They could just wear a backpack full of rocks and walk on the bottom Skeleton J. Ball @C_L_Ball And if they dive deep enough, light won't even reach down there. Like, aquatic vampire covens at the bottom of ocean trenches Skeleton J. Ba
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  • 43
    Text - In his early handwritten notes for Dracula, Bram Stoker considered giving the vampire these attributes: • can banish good thoughts, create evil thoughts and destroy will • is affected only by relics that are older than he is • cannot be painted, any portrait looks like someone else • cannot be photographed, photographs come out black or like a skeleton corpse • insensitive to music • cannot cross thresholds without assistance, stumbles on threshold • can determine and prove if people are
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  • 44
    Text - blacksteelgajeel novel about a morally grey pirate captain who is cursed to die within 5 years for stealing some forbidden treasure, and only giving her heart to someone and expecting nothing back can break the curse but rather than go on some journey to find some true love or whatever, she decides to use her last years to travel the seas with her crew and collect treasure and drink and be merry and on the day of reckoning, she is falling more and more ill, and her crew gather all around
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  • 45
    Text - shamansantics Follow Walking Through a Memory You know that prank where you move everything in the house two inches to the left and it's so subtle no one notices but they keep bumping into stuff? This is a peculiar consequence of kinesthetic awareness trumphing spacial awareness, I think. We don't need to look at where we are going because our bodies know how to move there and don't need to double-check. Hence why we don't look at our feet to walk. So imagine that aliens don't have this t
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  • 46
    Text - kars-did-nothing-wrong why don't people in zombie apocalypse stories ever just wear suits of armor? you think any zombie is gonna get their shitty rotting jaws through this? I'm gonna rip and tear my way through the zombie apocalypse completely unharmed because none of the undead hoards will be able to get through my plate mail I'm gonna rip and tear my way through the zombie apocalypse completely unharmed because none of the undead hoards will be able to get through my plate mail kars-di
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  • 47
    Food - dormouse11 So apparently Tumblr ate my original post about this but: A couple weeks ago l'm going to get lunch and as I open the fridge, my mother attempts to communicate to me that any chicken currently in the fridge is ok for people to eat, because the chicken that was intended for the dog to eat has been used up. What she actually says is, "That's human chicken." After taking a minute to process all horrible implications of the phrase "human chicken", I decide to go a different route a
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  • 48
    Text - leftbouquetarbiter listen ok. so there's that typical horror trope about the family and the haunted house and yadda yadda. but like, have a movie where this family has gone through many haunted houses before, to the point where they move into this new one and are like 'okay. fresh start number seven. and then basically throughout the movie avoid and deflect any typical horror event from the house like it's no big deal. something's under the teen girl's bed? she takes a can of bug spray an
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  • 49
    Text - • "I am a simple mermaid trying to get a simple college education and you FUCKERS KEEP PREVENTING THAT BY THROWING WATER BALLOONS AT ME FIVE MINUTES BEFORE CLASS SO IM STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING QUAD FOR A HOUR UNTIL IT WEARS OFF" "Alternatively, I was skipping class and saw you trying to drag you and your huge ass tail through the courtyard-do you need help? I guess I can carry you to class if you'd like, though l'm not so sure this was worth being called 'Prince Eric' for the
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  • 50
    Text - not-a-bot-i-swear Just so you guys know. Hysterical strength is basically your body not holding back and going %100 though there is a great danger of you hurting yourself or breaking something since your ignoring pain and going %100. There was a case where a kid deadlifted a car to save a sibling but,cracked 8 of his teeth during it because he was clenching his jaw so hard. So whilst you can lift a car or fight off polar bears. Your probably going to break something. Because most of the t
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  • 51
    Text - are pears flammable after 2 hours of trying to set alight to a pear i can condclude they are not flammable mum: whats that smell me: burning pears mum: wha- me: i tried to set a pear on fire mum: why me: science #It's science as long as you write it down test = are pearsflaMmable onciusion: no by tUmbr User idjtits science [science clapping] well done friend you forgot your data table: Pear Fire? Number NO NO I mean it's blacker 4 Weird Smell Hi Mom, No SOTAVONNI 10H03 ALERIABE [MUFFLED S
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    Text - The notelfiunter. BORN 1819. (Killed 59 Beura) DIED SEPT.25.1905. We liono he kas gore to rest. "Killed 99 bears" a fact that if actually accomplished, should be put on a tombstone. My favorite part is "We hope he has gone to rest." What, like. they weren't sure? Maybe, if ever the bear uprising shouid start again, he would rise from the ground to finish what he started and slay that 100th bear? Was this man so powerful they are concerned he might not have decided to rest at all and is si
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  • 53
    Text - come-alongmerlin thee-vampsD Source: connorkawaii favourite katodown: bonegeek: ellie5192: connorkawaii: [british sigh] #Islightly lower australian sigh] [canadian apology) [UNWARRANTED AMERICAN DECLARATION OF FREEDOM] 47,880 notes
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    Text - reichenbowties: therangerofthenorth: supernalchiku: iwishiwasfictional: boondirk-saints: neptunes-salty-butthole: sinatrasorbet: andrewhussiesbosom: andrewhussiesbosom: IF YOU PUT "VIOLENTLY" IN FRONT OF ANYTHING TO DESCRIBE YOUR ACTION IT BECOMES 4000x FUNNIER VIOLENTLY FARTS VIOLENTLY ORGANIZES HER PORTFOLIO VIOLENTLY BABYSITS CHILDREN VIOLENTLY TWERKS VIOLENTLY BREATHES VIOLENTLY STUDIES VIOLENTLY MURDERS SEVEN CHILDREN VIOLENTLY WORRIES ABOUT THE PREVIOUS COMMENT
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    Text - The other night, I was walking to my apartment after my night class. As I was waiting to cross a road, a car stopped at the light. All four doors opened and 3 guys and a girl got out to run around the car screaming, "Chinese fire drill!" I got excited and joined in running around the car. After a minute or so, one of the guys yelled, "Everybody in!" Somehow, I ended up behind the wheel. The light turned green, so I turned and drove down the road to my apartment building. I stopped, turned
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    Text - |-bones Starfleet Admirals get worried when Captain Kirk bursts into their offices. Starfleet Admirals get a little scared when Captain Kirk bursts into their offices followed by Commander Spock. Starfleet Admirals get f terrified when Captain Kirk bursts into their offices with both Commander Spock and Doctor McCoy by his sides. WACANS PURR bigmamag I love this because I get why the admiral is scared. Kirk bursts in by himself, that's troubling but not full red alert yet. He's followed b
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